I can't. My right nipple hurts.

Attention all readers: sign up as an official follower of my blog for a chance to win a hard cover edition of Postcards Never Written...yes, it's a literary masterpiece book. Yes, I won the Pulitzer Prize Saskatchewan Readers' Choice Award. 

I suck at a lot of things, including any sort of self-promotion. I loathe it. I spent roughly 2 years writing my book, and an additional 4 years contemplating whether or not I had the balls to release it. So what to do after spending almost 6 years making something happen? Spend a grand total of one minute marketing it. (a majority of this one minute involved handing the manuscript over to my parents and then running like hell in the opposite direction...)

So without further ado, allow me to toot my horn, albeit rather awkwardly. Thanks to very kind and generous friends, along with awesome word-of-mouth, I've sold out of books! It's now getting reprinted and I'll be getting more copies in early March. You can pre-order your very own copy on my website at www.janita.ca

Here's my disclaimer:

1. I've been told (by people other than my family) that it's funny. But really, who can you trust these days?
2. If you don't like it, give it away to someone you hate.
3. If there's no one you hate that badly, give it to your baby as chew toy.
4. Once you decide it's not an appropriate chew toy for baby, toss it to your dog.
5. If dog hates it, line litter box with pages. Cats, I suspect, have a very wicked sense of humour. Don't let their grouchy demeanor fool you. Whilst performing their daily constitution, I have a feeling they'd appreciate my humour. At the very least, they'll claw my pages, not your furniture.
6. I donate a portion of proceeds from the sale of my book to World Vision - to date, I've donated over $10,000. That my friends, makes the aforementioned 6-year journey to write this book worth every minute.

I'll also be randomly selecting a follower from my blog to win their very own HARD COVER version of Postcards Never Written....that's right, hard cover!!! The hard cover edition will not be available for sale - other than my Mom and a few other peeps, you will be one of the few people on this planet to own one. It'll sort of give you the feeling of what it's like to almost be extinct.

Just click on the blue button on the right hand side of this blog that says "Join this site". All you have to do is type in a valid email address, that's it. You can even use a fake name and keep the grey stalker-like image for your profile pic if you choose. I don't care. The only time I'll have to lure you from your hiding spot is if you win this give-away, and even then, I'll keep your deets private. I'll randomly select a follower and the winner* will be announced the first week of March.

*side-effects of winning may include bouts of nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and erectile dysfunction. Please see Doctor if symptoms persist. If you are in any way related to me, chances of winning are not good. Simply because I will randomly re-select someone else if I happen to pick you. But don't think you won't get anything from me. I'm not made of wood. You'll receive an all-inclusive weekend get-away package! Important note: the inclusive package part refers to my kids being shipped to you (C.O.D....have a heart. I'm paying for a new shipment of books over here), and the get-away part is in reference to me. Yeah! We're all winners.

Here's a sneak peek at the revised version of the cover:

For more information about my book, visit my website at www.janita.ca

Huge thanks go out to Lorne Cardinal (Corner Gas) and Joan McCusker (Olympic Gold Medalist and CBC sports commentator) for providing reviews for my book! I didn't even have to beg (very hard). Also, a heartfelt thank you to Kelle Hampton for writing the foreword for my book. If you haven't done so already, visit her blog at www.kellehampton.com - trust me, she'll make you want to be a better person.

And a very special thank you to the lovely and talented Yvonne Parks! She has helped me out from day one, back to the first design of my book in 2007, to business cards and other graphics in between, to the recent creation and design of my blog. She's absolutely amazing, and I can't say enough great things about her. If you're in need of any design work, whether it be for something in print or a revamp of your blog, I highly recommend you check her out. For more on her work, visit her website at www.pearcreative.ca

Incidentally, her 9-year old daughter also has a blog...I have not met Aila in person, although her random thoughts and comments leave me in stitches. My all-time favourite?  When asked to help with the supper dishes, she responded: "I can't. My right nipple hurts." I totally stole her line for the title of this post because clearly, it's relevant to what I have to say. "You want me to deliver a highly-effective sales pitch to help promote my book, and bewitch you with my effusive charm so that you buy multiple copies for you and all your friends? I can't. My right nipple hurts." At any rate, she's a gem. Visit her blog by clicking here.

Now, I'm off to pack for a trip back to my homeland. If you don't hear from me for the next week, one of the following has likely happened:

1. After surviving 5 hours in a vehicle with three small children, and no husband to help me, I'm suffering from a nervous breakdown. I'm in such a state, that I've decided to start farming with my five brothers. Send for help. Immediately.
2. We're in the ditch somewhere between Moosomin and Virden. Having picked the KFC bucket clean, my children are now eating me to stay alive.
3. I was having so much fun in a vehicle by myself with three small children, that I decided to blow right through Manitoba and blast into Ontario.
4. I have smashed my parents' annoying dial-up modem through the wall, preventing me from further communication until my return.