Thursday, August 8, 2013

Body Jack William MacLeod

If this is what they're learning in Grade One, then remind me to secure a tutor to survive the next eleven years...maybe one for the kids as well. I'm 100% certain we did not cover this shit when we were six years old. We were too busy eating our boogers, waiting for our finger-paint creations to dry. Seriously, check out this health test he came home with. I believe in this case, 77% is an absolute medical miracle.

I should maybe have a discussion with him about his answer for # 6. That's a tricky one, Jack. Mommy pushes her biceps up under her lungs, but mostly because she's just trying to make her breasts look bigger. In all other instances, then the answer is likely the diaphragm. Chin up, little buddy. That was an honest mistake. If you lived with normal parents, you would have aced that one.
If you think those questions were difficult, check out the next two pages:
I was oblivious to the fact that they were learning all of this, until Jack came home one day asking me to scratch his femur. "It's really itchy..." he said "That's likely cause it's the largest bone in my body. That's for sure why it's so itchy."

For your viewing pleasure, I present you with the following video clip:

Body Parts, by Jack William MacLeod, aspiring M.D.

There are (so very) many things wrong with this video, including (but not limited to) the following:
  1. That my six year old son knows more than me.
  2. That he wanted to embed a lesson on compound words into his body parts lecture. Too much, too soon.
  3. That he firmly believes the uterus is an extension of the throat, male or female. We covered this a few months ago...he lost a tooth and swore it swirled around and around and he almost swallowed it. "It just about fell into my uterus...", he gravely informed us at the time. Granted, the word esophagus is a tough one to remember.
  4. I forgot the phalanges. How in the hell could I possibly forget the phalanges? Too much vodka in my twenties, that's how.
  5. He farts in my face.
  6. Daddy uses the word flatulence. I forgot all about that word. Flatulence. Such a pretty word. It shall make a comeback in our home.
  7. When he cracks his head off the baseboard, he doesn't even flinch. I swear that head of his is made from rebar.
  8. And finally, when he turns to his Daddy (who's filming), holds up his wee, little set of phalanges and announces, "A little privacy...", I really am rendered speechless. And also very, very worried about what the future holds.

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