If you could tell a younger version of yourself just one thing...

In my last post, I shared the best pieces of financial advice ever received. What’s that, you say? Money doesn’t grow on trees? No, little grasshopper. Wealth must be earned, not plucked. The same can be said for wisdom. There are times when I wish I would have been a different me…the me who knows more now, not the me blinded by my insecurities, or the blitheness of youth. The me who would have done things differently and made better choices. But hey, it wasn’t really my fault, was it? Parts of the brain don’t fully develop until your early twenties, especially that sneaky little thing called foresight. So I guess it’s sort of expected that we’ll all do stupid crap in our lives, and wish we could go back and do things differently…shake that little 16-year-old self of ours and say, “Hey, little dude. Smarten the fuck up.” But what would be the point? The snot-nosed punk wouldn’t listen to you, anyway. And maybe, just maybe, looking back on parts of our life and wishing we would have done things differently, is a prerequisite to wisdom. And that gift, little grasshopper, can’t be plucked from a shelf either. This one too, must be earned.

Here forthwith are your responses to what you would tell a younger version of yourself.

 

Relax. In five years, this moment and these people won’t matter. Everything will be alright.

Love yourself first, because you are worth it.

Listen to your parents when they tell you that you should date more people, rather than marrying the first person you date – so I got married because they told me I shouldn’t.

Confidence can be beautiful, and your opinion matters.

Wait. Be patient. Everything will be OK.

Things do have a way of sorting themselves out. Just be patient and trust.

RELAX!

Don’t worry so much about finding the love of your life – it will happen when you least expect it, and with the absolutely most perfect person.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Real friends are worth waiting for.

Don’t buy into the expectations that everyone else has establish for you – create your own.

You are worthy. Pass it on.

Finish your schooling. Your true love will wait if it was meant to be.

Always, always trust your instincts. Your subconscious exists for a reason, one that you may never know, but it will never do you wrong.

Be nicer to your parents – they love you. That jerk guy doesn’t!

Relax and enjoy life more, don’t worry so much about all the little things, and most importantly be confident in yourself and your abilities.

Spend more time with your children doing fun stuff – housework can wait, nor does the house have to be perfect.

Get a math tutor.

Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.

Don’t be so negative and judgmental about other people! Be gracious and forgiving and kind.

Just be you. Don’t listen to the losers and the naysayers – just be you. Follow those things that you love, regardless of who says you will fail. And for the love of God, don’t stop exercising!

Don’t take life so seriously, because it will all work out.

It gets better.

Be true to yourself. Don’t go for second best, be the best.

You DO have talent. Your work is unique because you are the only one who can create it.

Don’t let “x” touch you that way.

Getting your heart broken is the worst thing you will go through, and you will be stronger and smarter because of it.

Don’t rush into marriage.

My parents taught me that you can do it on your own, and that independence is important. I think that I may have taken that advice a bit too literally, and because of that, I feel that I may have missed out on some wonderful relationships. I held a lot in, and still do, because I feel that I don’t need anyone. I’m 38-years old and am now just learning to ask for help. Believing in yourself and asking for something makes you stronger, not weaker. I wish I would have known this at a younger age.

Chill. Cut yourself some slack. Stop over-analyzing. Stop taking things personally and only say things out loud that you would say if that person was in the room. This is great advice that I try to follow. Unless I drink – then all bets are off on what comes out of my mouth.

Work for someone who is wealthy, and get them to teach you how they got there, as long as they were ethical on their way up!

 

Start saving for a house NOW because when you are ready to buy, the market will be insane and houses will cost MUCH more than they do now.

 

That I have value, I am perfect and have worth just as I am. That I am loved.

 

Buy lots of real estate, as much as you can afford. Even in Regina? YES. Especially in Regina. Trust me on this one.

 

Things worth doing aren’t easy.

 

Believe in yourself.

 

To my high school self? You’re not as smart as you think smartass.

 

Shut your mouth sometimes! You don’t need to be involved in every debate.

 

Get in touch with your insecurities, do not feel guilty about your youth, you were a good kid, but went awry for a decade or so, keep emotions in check and stay strong, you are a good man…you don’t have to try and impress anyone, you are an impressive, strong individual.

 

Don’t start smoking.

 

I’d tell my younger self to take better notes, maybe type them this time?

 

Stop dating losers who break your heart, hold out for a tall, handsome fella with a mullet and a Camaro – he’s the one. Listen to your Mom and Dad – they know what they’re talking about…and stop rolling your eyes every time they say “You’ll understand when you’re a parent”. Turns out they know what they’re talking about, dumbass.

 

You’re not so bad.

 

You have great worth.

 

No one’s perfect, learn to love yourself for who you are. Oh, and only say things about people that you would be willing to say to their face.

 

In 10 years, none of this is going to matter.

 

Be who you are, and do it as well as you possibly can. Don’t try to be the best at everything. Be good at what you’re good at, and be happy you are good at it!

 

I would tell myself that I have a really happy life ahead, once I get through a bunch of sh*tty years.

 

Stand up for yourself and live your life for YOU.

 

Never spend more than you make.

 

Who gives a flying $%#* what people think of you!

 

Be more serious about education, and have a stable occupation before getting married.

 

Enjoy the moment in front of you, and spend less time thinking about the past or worrying about the future.

 

Don’t bother with the serious relationships until you’re a lot older. Trust me, parts of your brain aren’t fully developed yet, so wait on that picking a spouse thing.

 

Learn about computers…turns out they’re here to stay. Same goes for typing. That may have proved more useful than learning Latin.

 

Don’t worry so much. Things generally work out the way they’re supposed to.

 

Keep looking in the mirror – don’t blame anybody else for anything.

 

Learn how to train a puppy before having kids!

 

Don’t worry so much!

 

Don’t try, DO! Change is inevitable, growth in optional. Travel if you can to help realize how many opportunities we have in this country. If you can make a difference with someone who has had some misfortunes, then help them out. It will be good for you as well.

 

I would tell myself to warn my high school friend about alcoholism because her father was an alcoholic, and she followed in his footsteps. She passed away.

 

I don’t think my younger self would listen to anything I would try and tell her.

 

Don’t worry so much. They are wrong – high school is not the best time of your life. They are right – you actually will figure it out and it will all work out perfectly. Also, the “I don’t care hairdo” is easy, but you have to honestly not give a shit about it to get it just right.

 

You are enough. Better things await and don’t ever let them keep you down.

 

Always get to the toilet at the right time.

 

Risk more when you are young.

 

School is more important that you think, and your boyfriend/girlfriend is really not as important as you think.

 

What people think about you is none of your business. It’s a reflection of them, not of you.

 

Go to medical school.

 

Don’t drink OV!!! You will shit your pants.

 

 

Best financial advice...

I’ll never forget the day my dad sat me down when I was 16-years old…I was desperate to buy a car, and equally desperate to spend every last dime I had saved to purchase said vehicle. To me, the math was remarkably simple: more money = nicer vehicle = cool cat. According to my dad, the equation had a few more variables. His lesson in depreciating assets and delayed gratification went something like this:

"You have $10,000 saved up. Good for you. You’ve made a choice to buy a vehicle…you can’t afford to buy new, so you’ll have to look at used ones. And even if you can afford to buy a new vehicle one day, don’t. It’s one of the quickest ways to lose money…repeat after me…depreciating asset. It’ll substantially decrease in value the moment you drive it off the lot. Let someone else lose that hard-earned money. So you’re buying used – you now have two more choices. First you have to ask yourself this: what’s it worth to you? You can use all the money you have worked to save, and spend it on a car. In 7 years from now, you’ll have two things: a piece of crap worth nothing, plus an empty savings account. Or, you can spend $5,000 on a vehicle, and leave the other $5,000 in your savings account. In 7 years from now, you’ll have two things: a piece of crap worth nothing, plus almost $10,000 in your savings account. What’s it worth to you? If it’s just to get you between point A and point B, then the choice is easy. But if your worth is tied up in the wrong thing, then you’re likely going to make a bad decision. May I suggest you make the smart one.”

 Of course interest rates are noticeably different than they were in 1990 when my dad and I had this discussion. Back then, your money had the potential to almost double in 7 or 8 years, depending on the compounding and type of investment fund. But in theory, the lesson remains the same. Before you buy anything, always ask yourself this: “What’s it worth to you?”  I have yet to purchase a brand new vehicle, and can safely say I never will. It’s not worth it to me, simply because our vehicles house three small, slovenly children and are often mistaken for transitory nuisance grounds (both the vehicles and the children). If you opened our van door on any given day, you’d likely have two distinct thoughts: (1) These people have scant regard for personal property and (2) If thoroughly cleaned, we may stumble across the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. And hey, I don’t judge people who do buy new - rather, I’m quite grateful for your constitution. I thoroughly enjoy hopping into your brand new car with you…that smell is intoxicating. I’m not made of wood, am I? After all, smart cats still like to hang out with the cool cats.

 Here forthwith, is the best financial advice you’ve ever received.

 Beer at the liquor store is cheaper than buying it at the hotel.

Take out life insurance at an early age.

You want something? Save for it. Have good credit but don’t over-extend to buy stupid, useless shit.

To quote my mother when I got married: “It he wants to share your bed, he can share his bank account”, which is useful when you are the one staying home raising the kids. That, and every woman needs a credit card in her own name.

Don’t spend more than you make. I’m still learning that one.

Don’t worry about the money. Do your best at a job you enjoy and the money will follow.

Stay in the black!

If you can’t afford something, then don’t buy it!

Save some money for a rainy day.

If you can’t pay for it with cash, then ask yourself if you really need it.

My dad and I went to pick up an older gentleman at harvest time and I said, “Wow. How old is this guy?” My dad said, “He’s pushing 70, why?” I said, “It’s cool that he still wants to come out and combine with us!” and my dad said, “He still has a mortgage so he has to come out and combine for us. Even if he wants to, he doesn’t have a choice. Don’t ever let that happen to you.” This has stayed with me all these years, clear as day.

Don’t go into debt unless it’s an investment, like your education, a home, or something that you can get back in the long run.

Start saving from the moment you get your first pay cheque, no matter how little it is.

You can’t take it with you.

Balance your chequebook and never spend more than you have.

Financial advice – what’s that?

When it comes to saving, or paying off debt, every penny makes a difference. Nothing is worse than the feeling of: “I have so much to save for, or pay off, where do I even start”. Just start anywhere.

Invest in yourself first.

I pay no attention to finances. I should, though…

My mom told me to always have my own money so that I’d be able to take care of myself. I fear I take it too far sometimes, and can be very stubborn and too independent. But that has always stuck with me and has served me well. I know that I can make it on my own and support myself and my daughter if I have to.

It’s OK to be in debt if it’s for the right reasons.

Pay off your mortgage prior to building up a nest egg for the future.

Give up on small dreams today and save to make big dreams come true.

Don’t buy it if you can’t afford to take care of it.

Invest in fun, because it is the most important part of life.

I was given a piece of a puzzle that was meant to go into my wallet, so every time I reached into my wallet, I would see the piece of puzzle and it would remind me of a question I was told to ask myself at that time. The question was, “Is this a want or a need?”

Save, and spend. In that order. Save for a crisis, and for the future of course, but don’t forget to live for today. What’s the point of all that education, and building up a decent career, if all you do is wait for retirement to have some fun?! Sometimes the right answer is to run off to Disneyworld and to hell with the cost – we’re building memories over here!

Follow your gut. That, and pay off your credit cards in full every month.

Put away money for your retirement. I started in my early twenties and I’m so glad that I did.

Track your spending.

When saving for a big purchase avoid impulse buying by saying to yourself, “Do I want those shoes MORE than I want a house?”

Lead with your heart and the money will follow.

Live within your means. This advice has served us well.

I don’t think I have ever received any good financial advice.

Save 10%, give 10% and wisely allocate the other 80%.

Never let your pride get in the way of doing what it takes to support yourself. Always know that if your world fell apart tomorrow, you have the skills and the resources to make your own way. Never depend on someone else to support you.

After I spent some time complaining about insurance costs, my dad said, “Insurance is something you pay for and hope that you NEVER need.” And that is true.

Being advised to purchase life insurance, set up a will and start a college fund for our kids.

Don’t go into credit card debt. Have I paid attention? Sadly, no.

You may have to pay more for land that adjoins you, but if you want it, go for it. In a few years, the price will be there anyway.

When I was 26-years old, a man told me that you will be at least 40-years old before you have anything, and he was right.

Open an ING savings account. There are no fees. And contribute monthly to RRSPs instead of one lump sum per year. Oh, and read the book The Richest Man in Babylon.

Budget yourself. It’s like magic money appears when I follow that advice.

Acquiring land has always been the best decision I have ever made. I cannot consciously take all the credit for these purchases, as my wife always pushed me to buy land which has increased our net worth substantially.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

You can’t take your money with you to heaven, so you might as well treat yourself a little while you can.

Set goals first, and then track your progress. This works for all things. Be committed or forget about it.

Never steal money.

Don’t ever brag about what you have.

Learn to count!

Let's see…what do kids need to know about money other than to have lots? You will probably want a new car someday, say, one that sells for $40,000. You've got enough for a down payment, so what's the next step? If you make payments for 5 years, you'll end up paying for it twice, when you consider the interest you'll be paying. By the time you're old enough to purchase a car, the days of low interest may be history. Why not set aside the amount of dollars you would be paying each month, save for the same 5 years and pay cash for the car? Telling you this will not make me popular, obviously, and it may be one of the reasons my grand kids don't really listen to me. Believe me, 5 years goes by in a hurry. By the time you have enough money saved, you may find that a new car really isn't important. You may decide to use it for school instead.

Give what you can away, because you can’t take it with you when you go, but the things we do to help the people on earth will last a lifetime.

I'll close with this request: NEVER confuse your net worth with the numbers in your bank account – you’re not taking any of it with you. You’re worth as much as any millionaire out there. And if one day, you happen to become one of those people who make millions a year, remember this – you’re no more important than the person who makes nothing. Don’t ever forget that. A sign of true character is how you treat those who have nothing to give you in return. As the saying goes, we’re all ending up in a box about the same size, so remember that. It’ll help maintain a healthy perspective. My parents taught me that life is just one giant board game. Play a good game. Do the best with what you’ve got. Never take more than you give – and in comparison to the rest of the world, we’ve been given so much. Leave the board in good shape. Don’t chew on the corners. And one day? One day you’ll have to pass on your chips. Holding on tighter won’t help you at all. Your time at the board isn’t up to you. But your moves while you’re here, are.

p.s. I'll share the following piece of financial advice that I recently learned from my 7-year old son Jack. Sometimes it pays to just ask for shit, even if you have absolutely nothing to offer in return. The tooth fairy just might fall for it. Just make sure you add the word "respectfully" as a preface to your scandalous demand...if you're going to be a dictator, then you might as well be a polite one.

Most embarrassing moments...

I have a video of my son Jack titled: How to kill a mocking turd. You can watch that little ruby by clicking here. Without getting into the gory details, he was having a hard time pushing it out. His running commentary on how to get it out was filmed for posterity. Some commented that my son will kill me one day when he's older for sharing this video, however let me assure you, he'll die of embarrassment first, right after reading the following story about his Mommy. Should we both survive the shame of full disclosure (Oh, the horror of being honest with fellow participants on this planet…), surely he’ll always have the upper hand; after all, at least he was sitting on a toilet.

I've shared this story before, and I share it again for one (or all) of the following reasons:

1. It makes me out to be classy and sophisticated.
2. In case you happen to be having a crappy day (pun intended), my hopes are that this will make you laugh.
3. When I asked some very close friends if I should share this story, they unanimously agreed and said: "Find me one person who has never shit their pants, and we'll call them a liar." Does it bear mentioning that my friends are wonderfully awful human beings? And for that, I love them.
4. In the off chance that you've soiled yourself today, and you're unbearably humiliated, may this give you hope that there is life beyond this disastrous moment. I promise.

Pick your poison; they all work for me.

Now where were we? Oh, right. The chairlift incident…it still gives me the shivers when I think about it. It's like a truth or dare combo pack - I dare you to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the true so help you God. I don’t even feel safe writing this, however in the spirit of full disclosure when it comes to one of my several thousand most embarrassing stories, here goes. It happened during my third year at university, when about ten of us decided to head down to Whitefish, Montana for spring break. I don’t ski all that often (or well) but the thought of a vacation at a mountain resort sounded appealing.

Once there, we promptly agreed that it was far too cold to actually ski, not to mention the effort required, so we buckled down in our rental chalet and started to play a drinking game. The game itself was easy. Or so I thought. There was a deck of cards and you had to guess whether the card being flipped over would be a black suit or a red suit. Not exactly a mind bender. (Hey, we were Aggies, not biochemical engineers.) If you guessed wrong, you had to take a sip from your beverage. Active listening not being one of my core strengths, I was downing my entire drink each time, rather than taking just one sip. For the record, I don’t recall anyone mentioning the “one-sip” point during the initial reading of the rules. Regardless, in a disastrously short period of time, I ingested copious amounts of alcohol and retired from the game rather early, finding comfort and solace face down in an empty pizza box. A mercy kill, really.

The next day, disastrously weary but determined, we got up and hit the slopes, ready to exercise and sweat out the alcohol and vanilla-cherry cigar impurities. Truthfully, I felt like death warmed up, however I put on a brave face for the crew. I even attempted to hit a few jumps on the way down to see if I looked anywhere near as cool as the Olympians on television. (Scattered reports gathered much later indicated that a three-legged mule strapped to plywood would have appeared more graceful.)

I’m guessing that all the bumping about on the ski jumps led to the serious loosening of my guts. As I was lining up for the chairlift afterwards to head back up, my stomach started making some very strange sounds. It felt like something was kicking me from the inside – something large. With a violent temper. My friend (who shall remain anonymous) was with me when I heaved myself back onto the chairlift. I was desperately trying to pay attention to her endless chattering, while all my focus was on not crapping in my ski-pants. I was in a full state of alarm. Have you ever tried to cross your legs in an awkward attempt to squeeze your butt cheeks together really hard, while wearing skis that are six feet long, whilst desperately clinging to a chairlift? No? Then, I dare you. Double-dog that bad boy.

The panic that overtook me can hardly be described. Here I was, hundreds of feet in the air stuck on a chairlift, in minus God-knows-what temperature, about to ruin my brand new ski-pants. (Actually, they were my sister’s ski-pants. Oops.)  Really, can it get any worse than that? Noticing my discomfort, my friend asked me what was wrong and I told her that I didn’t know exactly, but I didn’t feel too good. I told her I had to go to the bathroom really badly, and that I didn’t know if I would be able to make it. I vaguely remember her asking what I meant exactly by not being able to make it. My answer came loud and clear; the sound that sliced through the crisp morning air, and ricocheted down through the valley, confirmed our worst fears. It was meant to be a tiny harmless fart to let some of the pressure escape, but it ended up being just a little bit more. A shart would perhaps not be the most apt descriptor for what befell my ski pants that fine day. Yes. This cat shat.

As Sigmund Freud so cleverly discovered when treating patients who experienced puzzling losses of normal functioning, the shame was merciless. I believe our friend Sigmund used the term hysteria to describe the aftermath of such an event, and suggested an associated unconscious conflict. I can’t comment on the unconscious conflict, but the conscious conflict I was having at that exact moment was not to faint with embarrassment, for fear of plunging to my death. My friend was laughing so hard she almost knocked the both of us off the chairlift with her incessantly shaking. As my good luck continued to run its course, she managed to catch her breath long enough to scream to our friends on the lift behind us, eloquently informing them of what had just happened. A voice like hers really travels through a mountain range; I’m certain only four hundred fellow skiers, give or take, heard about my accident. At least it was contained to that. When you're ready to die, four hundred people isn't that many. Did I mention I was suffering from hysteria? I made my friend ski right behind me all the way back to the chalet, just in case it was visible through my ski pants. Children don’t need to see these sorts of things.

In the end, it sounded worse than it was, with minor skid marks being the extent of the damage. I’ve clocked it as a small miracle. Although I did lose a few barrels of dignity that day, the ski-pants were salvageable, and have since been returned to my sister (with a packet of Lysol wipes tucked nicely into the pocket). I’ve since heard of this vodka phenomenon being referred to as The Russian River. It was rushin', alright. Furthermore, let's be clear that the vodka company that produces Silent Sam should seriously rethink the name of their beverage. There’s nothing even remotely quiet about it.

Here's a photo of me shortly after the incident:

Here forthwith, are some of the most embarrassing things you've ever done.
Hmm…puking in a restaurant in front of my new boss, and him trying to catch it all in a wine glass. That, or falling down a flight of stairs in my gown at the reception for my university graduation. Good times, proud moments. Did I mention booze was involved on both counts? That's likely stating the obvious...

Grade 7 Social Studies class. I asked my teacher during class how dinosaurs had sex. He was literally speechless. I wanted to die.

I have to leave this one out for safety reasons...the statute of limitations isn’t my friend just yet.

Farted loud enough to propel a small rocket in front of my entire high school gym class. Seriously.

Getting into the wrong vehicle at the end of the day to go home. My husband was picking me up, I saw a blue van just like ours and walked right from the office building into that van and sat down, only to realize it wasn’t my van! The guy driving was pretty shocked too. I just got out and ran in the other direction.

I had a girlfriend from out of town once when I was 20, and brought her home on a weekend my parents were away. She was there when they got home on Sunday and I thought it would be a good time for them to meet one another. Big mistake. To them, I was sneaking around behind their back. It was a very humiliating and stupid judgement on my part. It coloured their relationship with her from that point onward.

 

In high school I had an enormous crush on a boy in a grade above me and (for whatever reason) he put my winter coat on and then proceeded to put his hands in the pocket, only to pull out a maxi pad. He screamed like a girl and threw it halfway across the school. Maybe I shouldn’t have been the one that was embarrassed, but I was. Something about boys, high school and having your period was pretty damn embarrassing.

 

Oh, good Lord…I try not to remember the embarrassing stuff. Kind of like it didn’t happen then, right?

 

Doing something too inappropriate when I was drunk. I could probably make that plural.

Where would I even begin?! When backpacking around Europe, my friend and I had our belongings stolen while we were sun-tanning on the beach in Barcelona (ahem, topless) Luckily, I was using my (very) mini daypack as a pillow at the time, which at least helped with a tiny little bit of coverage as I walked all the way up La Rambla wearing nothing but my bikini bottoms, and doing my best to cover the critical part of my ta-tas with my hands!

 

Drinking an upside down margarita in a bar, trying to pick up the boys, and having it drain out of my nose. Can you spell S-E-X-Y?

 

Ha, I never get embarrassed.

 

This is one of those things I can’t bring myself to talk about.

 

Got really intoxicated at a concert we drove 7 hours to get to.

Climbing up the tree faster than everyone, being suddenly overcome with the urge to urinate from above, then being caught doing so by my father.

 

When my kid wanted to leave church and I kept whispering to him, “Not yet, honey. Father isn’t finished.” He kept asking if it was time to go, and I kept repeating the same thing to him over and over, until finally he turned to the front of the church and shouted out, “Just shut up, Father!” In his defense, it was a rather long sermon.

Running errands around town with an old mop hanging off the back bumper…a four foot wooden handle dragging down every time I slowed down or turned. Very entertaining for everyone on the sidewalks. Got to love a spouse who thought that the back bumper of your Citation was the ideal place to let the mop dry off after cleaning the garage floor!

Got caught talking smack about a girl while in the bathroom stall at a social, and she was in the other bathroom stall. I was eyeing up her boyfriend and made a few crude comments – she heard it all. Argh!

Oh where do I begin! I have numerous small embarrassing moments. The time in Grade 5 when those velour volleyball shorts were in and I was late for gym class and changed in a flash, and in that flash I also flashed the janitor my tight whities as I fled up the stairs. And then proceeded to flash the entire Grade 5 and 6 class with my cute undies, which had a picture of a boy and girl under an umbrella! Devastation! A boy in my classed looked at me, pointed and yelled “YOU FORGOT TO PUT YOUR SHORTS ON!”, then he physically collapsed to the floor in laughter. I ran BACK down the stairs and flashed the janitor again (for good measure) and changed into those damned short shorts. I was “lucky” enough to have the class with my brother, so he made sure it was the first topic of conversation at the dinner table that night. From that day on I was called “Gitch” up until about Grade 12.

My kids wanted me to barrel-race at the fair. I didn’t want to disappoint them, but wasn’t dressed for the occasion. On that last barrel, the horse picked up steam, eliminating the final piece of friction between my polyester slacks and the saddle, and off the horse I flew. My kids were laughing, although I couldn’t hear them that well for the concussion. I’m quite certain it wasn’t just my kids laughing, either.

To be 18-years-old and not be able to talk to a girl!

Sitting my butt on the kitchen table only to realize the warmth I was feeling came from the smushed pile of mashed potatoes that now had the grooved imprint of my cord pants.

Starting a new school with a boy’s haircut in my brother’s hand-me-downs, and getting redirected to the boy’s bathroom accordingly!

When I was 16-years-old, I received a DUI and that was embarrassing…overdrinking in general in my younger years. You think you’re cool, but in the end you look like an asshole. At that age, I was trying to be the life of the party, but looking back now upon that period of my life, I needed to grow up. I have never had addictions issues, it was more about acquiring as many friends as possible. This may have been a result of my dysfunctional relationship with my father. You’re making me think about this.

I sprayed my hair so it would lighten in the sun and it went yellow. I looked in the mirror and thought, who the hell is that? My friends and I had a good laugh about it because two of them had shocking results trying to dye their hair as well.

This one time I drank too much and…

Tried to say something “right” instead of just being authentic at someone’s retirement celebration. It was very uncomfortable.

Peeing my pants in Grade 7.

When my new silk sundress FELL OFF while I was dancing at a wedding…just slithered down my body. What did I have on? Nothing but the skimpiest of panties...no bra. Yikes! Clearly the stupidest spaghetti straps everrrrrrrrrr. I tell you, silk moves fast. Learning how to tie a good double-knot is the lesson here, my friend.

In Grade 12 we were playing volleyball, and there was another game going on and the gym was full of people. We were warming up in the corner and another girl was stretching out my legs.  I told her not to stretch too far because I had to fart. Well, she took that as an invite to “pump” it out, and moved my leg slightly too far and of course, I let it rip and it was LOUD!!! It stopped the play…everyone in the gym turned and looked at us. My coach was fuming red on the other side of the gym, and the entire team was laughing.

Singing karaoke to “When I Touch Myself” at my sister’s wedding. It was special request from a lovely family member of mine! Nice.

Countless hangover phone call apologies.

I was about 14, out with my friends on a very cool winter day…I had to go to the bathroom very badly and y friends were making me laugh. I ran into a local restaurant but didn’t quite make it to the bathroom in time. When I came out my pants were wet and my friends were gone. I took my jacket off and wrapped it around my waist as I walked home, alone, in the cold, with wet marks down my leg. I can’t believe I am telling you this!

I called one of my husband’s colleague’s 10-year-old girl a little boy…six people were trying to stop me and I couldn’t understand what they were saying over the noise of the crowd. OUCH. She did have a GI Jane haircut. Not fair, really.

My gosh, where to begin! First farts in front of a new girlfriend?

I have many to choose from, but this one comes to mind because it’s recent. Stop me if you’ve heard this one…I was at a wedding and I fell ass-backwards into a coat rack at the end of the evening. The bride and groom, of all people, had to pull me out while my husband stood by laughing hysterically.

How about the time I stayed overnight at my friends (on the next farm) and wet the bed? I was about 8…highly embarrassed!

When I was a lonely, single Mom, I asked the pizza guy out to a movie. He said yes…then called back 10 minutes later and said no. Not my finest moment…I was just sick of going to movies along. Ugh. Insert cringe here.

I was once at a wedding, and had gone to nurse my baby. When I came back, I was sitting at our dinner table for a good 20 minutes before anyone bothered to tell me that the top of my dress was still wide open.

Definitely my multiple public tirades before I learned how to get my shit together and keep the crazy under wraps. It’s ironic that people don’t remember every time I was pleasant and lovely, but I’ll be damned if they don’t remember EVERY TIME I had a bout with the crazy!

Hard for me to pick my most embarrassing…puking up my dinner at a local pub after downing too many paralyzers. Or getting trapped in the outside lobby of an apartment building when going to get a pizza and being locked out, and having people seeing me lying there in my pajamas (eating pizza, mercifully) as they head to work in the morning.

Nothing I can think of…I was too shy to step out and do something stupid. I thought about doing wild and crazy things, but never did them.

I’m pretty sure it’s something I should be embarrassed about, but was too drunk to remember. I am grateful every time I am on Facebook that it was not around during my University days.